Owen (and everything after....)

GO HERE, GO HERE!!!!

2009-07-23T13:08:00.001-07:00

I am far too neglectful....

2009-05-06T22:02:00.000-07:00

But that's okay, right? You still love me, right? RIGHT?!

I think I've blogged about postpartum depression enough, but let me refresh your mind (and it goes with the story, I'm not being redundant for fun).
.....Owen was born in August. Sadly, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows like I thought it would be. I had such wonderful and amazing expectations for his birth. Obviously, it didn't go as I had played it out in my head for the previous nine months BECAUSE:

1) My husband didn't seem that excited or nervous on the drive to the hospital for the induction. I on the other hand was excited and nervous. I kept thinking is this really happening?. I couldn't wait to see Owen and finally hold him. I remember being shown to my hospital room and seeing the warmer the baby would be put and thinking at the end of all this there will be a baby in there. It was weird, but a good weird.

2) Ten minutes after he was born my mother-in-law and sister-in-law came to see Owen. They hung out for 30 minutes and wanted to go get food. My husband said we'd just call and order out and one of them could go get the food....well, that didn't happen. They are picky eaters and needed to SEE the menu (it was California Pizza Kitchen people, you don't need a menu!) So they go, look at the menu, wait for food and come back, BUT...my mother-in-law forgot her purse and they had to go back. What would have been a quick 15 minute trip took two hours. In the mean time I was left in the delivery room alone with my luggage. Owen went to the nursery to get checked out. He also needed a chest xray after he was born because he was having some retractions after birth (everything turned out okay). During that two hours I thought for sure they stopped to get me flowers and a small gift/card. HA! I was wrong.

3) Owen was born at 6:27PM, right at shift change! My day nurse, whom I adored, left and I was stuck with a grumpy, older nurse that cared more about getting tasks done than her patient. After I had the epidural removed they had to make sure I could pee. My legs were numb so I was getting up a walking of course. So the grumpy RN gave me a bed pan. She also turned the water on in the sink....and then she stood there washing her hands....
I told her there was no way I'd be able to pee on this bed pan with her in the room. So she left, and she didn't turn the water off, and she didn't come back! After about 10 minutes I ended up yelling HELP! and about three nurses (none of which were mine) came running in to see if I was okay. They scolded my nurse for leaving me like that without a call light. I agreed.

4) Grumpy RN wheeled me to the recovery room. I was all alone as the others were gone getting food. My luggage was also left in the birthing room because no one was there to carry it for me, that made me sad. SO, here I am, sitting in the recovery room all alone, no husband...no family...no baby. I was kind of freaked out, I kept thinking "Did this really just happen? Did I really just have a baby?". I looked back at the photos on the camera, and yep, I'd had a baby!

5) They finally get back from getting all the food. The visitors eat their food and leave immediately afterwards. I've seen my sister-in-law once since then, it was Thanksgiving....and she was drunk. She only stopped by to get money from her mother and left after 20 minutes.

6) My husband kept snoring and bitching ALL NIGHT about how uncomfortable the fold out bed was. I didn't sleep more than 45 minutes straight. HIM, UNCOMFORTABLE?! WHAT ABOUT ME?!!!! Fucker.

7) I pushed to get out of the hospital within 24 hours of admission (big mistake, especially with no sleep). The first night home could very well possibly be the most difficult day of my life.

8) Postpartum depression! Lots of fun, let me tell you....feeling no connection to your baby, feeling extreme guilt, hating your husband with a passion and wondering why you are with him, hating everyone and everything, having no hope for the future, thinking the baby will be better off without such an unfit, seemingly emotionally unstable mother....you know, all that fun stuff. I met with my OB, and that was a very awkward appointment let me tell you! I kept having horrible, unwanted thoughts. She gives me Zoloft, tells me to follow up with a psychologist and psychiatrist. I see a psychiatrist in December and she upped my dose and gave me a few refills. I hated her and never went back, but I did use her refills. She seemed not to give a rats ass about my issues, not that I expect her to overly care but she was just so....boring and dry and not right for me. So in January I saw another psychiatrist that I liked, he had a good sense of humor. I was feeling much better on the Zoloft. I was feeling so much better that I decided it would be wonderful to have another baby. It was decided I stop taking Zoloft if I wanted to be pregnant, so I did....and I felt okay, and then a few weeks later the shit hit the fan, all my feelings were back. By this point we have already met with our RE, and I'm already taking Clomid....and by the time I got my BFP (yay!) I was missing Zoloft. In the days following the BFP I kept thinking "WTF have I done?!". Not good feelings to have, and I was not feeling good about having them. I met with my OB, told him how I felt...and that brings us to today where I'm indeed barely pregnant and taking Zoloft. Scandalous!

So, that's the 411 on me.

Of small follicles, swearing, school, and other stressful things....

2009-04-06T16:22:00.000-07:00

So...today is cycle day twelve and my follicles are small.
Fuck fuck fuck (and FYI...this whole swearing kick I've been on lately is throughly therapeutic)

I have ten small follicles, the biggest is 10.6 mm. I'm going back on Wednesday before work (which I HATE doing, that cuts down on my nap time) in the hopes that my cycle is a few days longer this month. Vaginal ultrasounds are so much fun that I feel like I should be paying for them. Oh, um yeah....I AM PAYING FOR THEM! But in all seriousness my vagina isn't that shy anymore, it's been through a lot these past two years.

Just Because.

2009-03-19T00:11:00.000-07:00

When I drove for the first time by myself after having Owen I felt so "ronery". Awwww! I miss that feeling.

Cupcakes!

2009-03-18T22:42:00.000-07:00

Last week I came up with a grand plan to make chocolate cupcakes with french buttercream. Today I made some cupcakes, but they aren't so grand and there's no french buttercream. Tragic! Anyway, I ended up making low fat chocolate cupcakes with fat free vanilla cream cheese frosting. I think I tried making these low fat cupcakes because of the clomid bloat (and we're talking some serious bloat! I weighed myself this morning and it was nearly NINE POUNDS MORE! Is that normal or am I just getting fatter? I'm curious...).

I used this recipe for the cupcakes. For the frosting I used a box of fat free cream cheese, superfine sugar and two teaspoons of vanilla, then I whipped it up with an electric mixer. OK- so I was out of the yogurt for the cupcakes so I used a bit of applesauce....and er, they're a bit dry, but they are EDIBLE! Edible = Success They really aren't that bad.

I also cut off the tops of the cupcakes to make the frosting application a bit easier. Then I made a cupcake sandwich! Clever.

God, it's hard to fit this much awesome into one person.

Wah! My Ovaries Hurt.

2009-03-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

At least, I think they do...can ovaries hurt? I'm going to blame this one on the Clomid.

I'm watching "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" on Discovery Health. This show is great! I am sitting on the sofa with Owen saying screaming SHUT UP! over and over. Hahaha...these reenactments CRACK ME UP!

Oh, and it's St.Patrick's Day! My ovaries hurt so I really didn't do much. No...I'm kidding, I'm just not in the mood for any sort of potato, cabbage or beef. I made some kalamata olive bread, yum! I guess I could have made soda bread....yeah, NO. I feel like I should have done something. My husband's heritage is Irish/Scottish, mine is Hungarian/English. We are both pretty Americanized, but I feel that as Owen gets older it is so important to create family traditions. That's something I'll have to work on. He's still under one year old so I think I've got a small bit of time. It's on for next year....

Owen keeps saying "dadadadadadadadadadadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaada". I'm so happy to see these milestones but WHY can't it be "mama"? Damn.

Kalamata Olive Bread with Rosemary

2009-03-17T18:57:00.000-07:00

I don't often make bread because I am incredibly impatient. There is too much kneading, waiting, rising, kneading, waiting.....

But anyway, this bread sounded delish so I tried it (and adapted it a bit). The recipe I used is from All Recipes. I added some rosemary to the recipe, an extra teaspoon of salt, skipped a few steps ( I did steps 1 &2, then skipped to the end). I used King Arthur bread flour (which I LOVE), and superfine sugar.

The final product was fantabulous, people!

...and I'm totally loving Orla Kiely for Target!

Real Food

2009-03-12T21:58:00.000-07:00

My mission of making/eating real food was a success. I roasted an amazing chicken, sauteed baby spinach, and made some A.MA.ZING. mushroom stew.

While I was shopping today I picked up some amazing olive oil infused with parsley and garlic. I sauteed my spinach with it....fantastic!

Now I'm going to go waste the rest of my evening by watching Millionaire Matchmaker and Real Housewives of NYC. I am hopelessly addicted.

Home.

2009-03-12T16:40:00.000-07:00

It is fan-fucking-tastic being home (excuse the strong language for the "ladies"). Seriously though, it's pretty amazing. We got home around midnight and were cleaning and unpacking until about three in the morning.

I went to the market today and got tons of fresh food. I am so sick of "road food", microwave food, fast food and cold food (cold food in freezing cold weather doesn't seem to make much sense to me, but yeah...I ate it). Sooo...at the moment I am brining a whole chicken. The little chicken carcass kind of make me a bit teary but the carnivore in me is winning and I'm ready to roast and devour that dead little bird. But for real, when that little chicken heart plopped out of the carcass I was kinda sad....then I chopped it up in the garbage disposal and thought how much it sucks to live your life to be eaten and then have your heart chopped up by some machine. Good thing I'm not a chicken....I think.

Off to cook REAL food!

One Day Left....

2009-03-09T17:10:00.000-07:00

Only one day left. I want to go home!

I grew up in the snow and miss it dearly.
There is something so magical about a snow storm. Today was beautiful. We spent the day in Massachusetts, about 50 miles west of Boston. Yesterday was about 55 degrees but today was a completely different story. We woke up to a quiet and peaceful world covered in white, fluffy snow....and then I walked out of our temporary bedroom and things were no longer quite so peaceful. My husband has a wonderful family, but is grandma is a serious chatterbox that never stops talking, and for real, I mean never. The first time I met her was a few years before we were married. We had a long overnight flight. By the time we got to her house we were exhausted a decided to take a nap. We slept for maybe three hours, sitting up, on a really uncomfortable loveseat on her back porch. The second I opened my eyes I saw her sitting there and she was staring at us and said "I was wondering when you'd be waking up!". Before I knew much about her I figured she might be lonely, but that's not the case. She's a handful.

Here are some snow photos from our time up in Maine with my husband's other grandmother. It is by far one of the coziest places I have ever been.

I've been spending most of my nights watching Owen sleep and browsing on Tastespotting. This time change has me all thrown off and it's gotten even worse because we've also had to adjust for daylight savings time, which we don't do in Arizona.

Well, Hello There!

2009-03-07T19:23:00.000-08:00

I am blogging from a hotel somewhere in Worcester, Mass.
This escape is priceless, it's very nice to get away...from, er, getting away. It's so nice to have a quiet (other the the kids running up and down the hallways) place to wind down.

Just thought I'd pop in to Blogland for a bit and say hi :o)
Hi!

150

2009-02-26T12:13:00.000-08:00

When I became pregnant with Owen I took 100 mg of Clomid (trigger shot, IUI, yada yada yada....). Well, much to my surprise 100 mg isn't working this time around! What the....? When I got the call the other day I was kind of shocked, I started laughing...what else was I supposed to do? This phone call was just following a conversation with my husband and MIL, which I don't quite remember, but I do remember it involved doing something I thought was irresponsible with Owen (and that's how most conversations with my MIL go). I have this "sickness" of not trusting a single soul with Owen (except of course OT....sometimes...). And the fact that I didn't ovulate on the 100 mg makes me wonder if I'm really crazy? I had some "side efffects" that made me a total crazy lady/bitch. Ugh! It's hard to know the truth.

Mmm, oatmeal!

2009-02-26T11:51:00.000-08:00

@ breakfast this morning...

The Way I See It #299

2009-02-25T15:39:00.001-08:00

I was so bummed when Starbucks introduced their Pike Place Roast and transitioned the cups...what happened to the words of wisdom on the back?! I also get this way around the holidays, even though the cups are festive, "The Way I See It" isn't featured. I was so happy when they transitioned back to the original ol' cups.

The Way I See It # 299

There is a subtle difference between a mission and a promise. A mission is something you strive to accomplish – a promise is something you are compelled to keep. One is individual, the other is shared. When a mission and a promise are one and the same… that’s when mountains are moved and races are won.

– Hala Moddelmog
President and CEO,
Susan G. Komen for the Cure

Little Bits of Loveliness

2009-02-25T11:23:00.000-08:00

I first found out about Lollia on our last trip to Orange County. I got the grenadine & tonic lotion at at cute shop in downtown San Clemente. I decided to order a small sampling of all of the available scents, and really, you can't go wrong. If I could smell my dreams, I bet they'd smell something a bit like this.

I'm off to drown in the amazing scents :o)

A Lazy Sunday

2009-02-15T16:51:00.000-08:00

It's so cloudy and cold in Arizona today! It's nice, and our little chimnea made it extra cozy. It's so cozy I can hardly type :o)

Tweet Tweet!

2009-02-12T10:07:00.000-08:00

I'm now, finally, on Twitter!
Click here to follow me. It will be fun :o)

Flight Fears

2009-02-11T23:00:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure if I've ever shared this on my blog, but here goes- I am terrified of flying.

This hasn't always been the case. When I was younger I would have gone anywhere at anytime, I was always ready for some kind of adventure. After I had the ectopic pregnancy in May of 2007 things changed a bit. I remember that we went to Boston in August of 2007 and I was so scared! I remember thinking "...don't let this plane crash, I need to have a baby before I die. Don't let this plane crash....".

Well, Internet, we are once again flying to Boston in less than a month's time. Saying I'm terrified is a bit of a dramatic understatement. I don't want the last moments of my life to be staring into the eyes of my beautiful little man knowing that we're seconds from the end. It is consuming me, and it's unhealthy!

Ugh. I could delve into the psychological aspects of this but I'll spare us all.

Octomom

2009-02-11T17:09:00.001-08:00

Crazy- yes.
Would I ever do it- no.
Do I understand- kinda.

I can't figure out why, but I really don't hate this woman.

Tummy Time

2009-02-11T13:19:00.000-08:00

Did I just roll onto my tummy ALL BY MYSELF?!

Yep. I'm that awesome.

Postpartum Support

2009-02-10T23:59:00.001-08:00

I blogged about my "bout" of postpartum depression in the first few months following birth. Following one of those posts I received a comment from Katherine Stone who writes a blog called Postpartum Progress. I am very grateful that such a support system exists. I am also very touched, as she found me and offered the support of her community.

Just sharing :o)

Walking Wings

2009-02-10T23:30:00.000-08:00

Learning to walk already?! Where did the time go? I can hardly believe I've had the pleasure of sharing my life with this special human being for almost six months now!

The Way I See it

2009-02-08T17:23:00.000-08:00

I don't often read the quotes on the sides of my Starbucks cup, however yesterday the quote caught my eye:

The way we get to live forever is
through memories stored in the
hearts and souls of those whose
lives we touch. That’s our soul
print. It’s our comfort, our
emotional nourishment at the end
of the day and the end of a life.
How wonderful that they are called
up at will and savored randomly.
It seems to me we should spend our
lives in a conscious state of
creating these meaningful moments
that live on. Memories matter.

~Leeza Gibbons
(Television and radio personality)

Sweet, simple.

Gnome & Toadstools

2009-02-08T17:07:00.000-08:00

Don't you wish you were him?

I've been planting and cleaning up the back yard today. After working a last night I'm lagging a bit!
More to come....

Dear Owen...

2009-02-06T08:22:00.000-08:00

Why are you waking up so early these days?!
Start sleeping in :o)
<3M

Bumpits!

2009-02-05T15:31:00.000-08:00

I just got my "bumpits" in the mail and O-M-G! I love these things! Prior to ordering them I was a bit concerned because they received mixed reviews- some people thought they were fantastic, others thought they were pieces of plastic crap.

I have really thick, coarse, curly hair. The back of my head is flat, and I mean really flat. Sometimes my hair looks pretty ridiculous and unkempt, and when I pull it back and wear a headband my head can look super large and awkward.

Enough typing, here are some pics (ignore my sloppy bun)-

Um, yeah. I love these things!

A Lazy Day

2009-02-05T12:36:00.001-08:00

...a lazy day for me anyway!
After massive layoffs at his company (thankfully his job is still safe), OT took a day off to hang out around the house. Oh, the joys of working in finance!
He started a project a few weeks ago of staining our ugly grout. It's a tedious job and I'm really glad I'm not the one doing it. He is getting tons of help from Emma and Teddy. I think they must be supervising. Teddy doesn't look like a maltese you want to cross!

Owen is napping and I'm about to watch some of my instant queue on Netflix. I am so glad it is Mac compatible now! What a day.

Ok, this is embarrassing....

2009-02-03T13:15:00.000-08:00

Take a peek at my backyard:

Um, yeah. Embarrassing.
After five years of living in Phoenix I think I have finally come to terms with where we live. We bought this house four years ago and I think it's about time we do something great to our backyard. So, the planning begins....
Hopefully in the next few months I will have some far less embarrassing photos of my backyard!

Sophie Love

2009-02-03T11:28:00.000-08:00

Who knew a seemingly overpriced little rubber giraffe could bring so many hours of tear-free, teething entertainment?

Oh, Sophie! We love you.

No Touching!

2009-02-03T10:53:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one that hates it when strangers touch their babies without asking? I'm almost at the point where I want to make a hat that says "No Touching!". When Owen was a newborn I would literally freak when someone touched him, now that he's nearly six months old I'm a bit more tolerant (don't ask me why...he's still an infant and it's the height of cold & flu season).

Maybe I'm just having a case of the 'clomid crazies'?
(...and oh yeah, here we go again!)

Sandals Long Forgotten

2009-01-29T11:34:00.000-08:00

It's amazing what you find when you clean out your garage. I haven't seen these in about, oh...five years?

Looking for Time....

2009-01-29T11:13:00.000-08:00

Where has it gone?! I can hardly believe that Owen will be six months old next month.

We are doing fabulous. The beginning was rocky- what a change! As I've been told before, but have never really acknowledged...I have a terrible time with change, and I am a control freak. The first month with Owen was hard for me- there was a total shift of what I thought was important in my life. I had a hard time with the overwhelming feelings I had. I also struggled with the fact that I had ultimate responsibility over a small, living being. I had a hard time with the shift in my marriage. I think when people go through major changes, such as becoming a parent, the emotions that one experiences are totally unexpected.

Owen is a fantastic, happy, and loving little man. He melts my heart every time I look at him. We have finally settled into a routine. I feel so lucky to have such a content son, he doesn't mind driving all over town with me, he hardly gets fussy, he is always full of smiles.

Currently, we are preparing for a trip to Boston, ohhh the anxiety! For starters, flying with Owen really freaks me out. The fact that there have been a few well-publicized airline accidents lately certainly do not calm my nerves. I can't tell you how many time a week I visit airsafe.com in the hopes I read something that completely calms my nerves.

Now that my time is much more well organized I really hope to start blogging on a regular basis again. I hope you've all checked out my Flickr....and just in case you haven't here is a peek at my little man:

Updates

2008-12-03T22:23:00.000-08:00

I saw my OB and she gave me a script for Zoloft. As much as I don't like the idea of taking such a medication, the way I feel is amazing. I feel like myself again. This past Monday I met with a NP (nurse practitioner) that specializes in psychiatry. She immediately wrote me a script for 100mg of zoloft even though I told her I feel fine on the 50 mg. This made me a bit uneasy. What upsets me most of all is that my current issues were not even addressed. She focused on my past. After asking about how long I'd need the zoloft she said two to five years!!! I understand that my past can influence the present, but I feel that I have effectively worked through those issues. They not longer haunt/bother me on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis. I gained an objective understand which I seem to have lost postpartum.

I am feeling surprisingly much better. I've been taking the medication for about two weeks now. My plan is to go forward living life and deal with what comes. As for the present I am happy and we are all doing well. Thanks to everyone for their emails and comments, they are very much appreciated.

We found an amazing deal to fly to Boston in the spring. Usually I would be beyond excited. I am so nervous to fly with Owen due to safety reasons. I have nightmares about crashes. I drool over airsafe.com all day and night. I read the statistics but they don't really calm me.

I have a feeling that my postings here will be few and far between. I update almost daily on flickr so if you're interested in following me and getting updates just come on over!

Emotions.

2008-11-23T09:55:00.000-08:00

(Notice how my template is all effed up? That is a Blogger issue that I've dealt with all too often, and the issue that I eventually became fed up with and switched hosts. Ugh. Blogger is like a bad boyfriend, and I'm the stupid girl that always goes back to him)

In the 4 weeks following Owen's birth I was an emotional mess. I felt overwhelmed, completely and totally overwhelmed. OT said he read in a brochure at the hospital that this was all very normal and all in my head. Never tell an emotional woman postpartum that all her feelings are in her head. Never. The feelings of being overwhelmed and lack of support (not only lack of spousal support but also lack of family support) were nearly unbearable. What I first thought was the "baby blues" has now turned into, what I realized only days ago, full on postpartum depression.

Over these past three months I've been having strange and upsetting thoughts that are not at all usual to me. These thoughts intensified Friday night while I was working. It went kind of like this:

Horrible thoughts --> Extreme guilt-->Severe anxiety attack

All these feelings tend to stay with me as well as a completely overwhelming sense of ultimate responsibility. It is almost like the objective, logical part of my brain and the emotional part of my brain have a disconnect. I know these feelings and thoughts are not true, not real- but for some reason I can't help but feeling sad, confused, crazy and at times totally empty.

Months ago I would have never thought that I would have postpartum depression. After trying for so long to have a baby and going through round after round of fertility drugs and procedures, I was so excited and happy to be pregnant. I've learned that keeping these feelings in makes me feel worse. Talking about them makes me feel better, less like a horrible, monster-like mother. Monday morning I'm going to call my OB and get an immediate appointment. I don't think any new mother should have to feel like this. These are precious times I will never get back with Owen. I hope there is a solution for me.

...and I'm back!

2008-11-19T10:38:00.000-08:00

(Note: Typepad didn't exactly work out. My heart belongs to Blogger.)
Owen is a fabulous little boy. He is so sweet and I'm almost sure that he will continue to be perfect throughout his life. Short of murder or becoming a junkie, I have a hard time thinking of something he could do to upset me. At the moment he is in his little baby swing babbling away and chewing on his stuffed frog. Tomorrow he will be three months old.

It's amazing how a new life changes the one you have been living for years. Before I had Owen it was strange for me to imagine living or giving my life for another person. I now understand that. I cannot fathom my existence without my little boy.

These past three months have been difficult. The first month I think I cried every day. I was pretty hysterical and not very rational. My marriage has had some adjusting as well. After it being the two of us for almost eight years (eight years!), it is strange to have a third being around- a being that is demanding and completely controls your time. I have also learned the difference between men and women. Women are by far much, much stronger (this is, of course, a very personalized opinion).

It was nearly 90 degrees here yesterday (!) and I am preparing for Thanksgiving. Depressing. There are no fall leaves, no nip in the air...nada. That's Arizona for you (Northern AZ being the exception). Our Thanksgiving is just going to be the three of us. My mother in law had some other plans that we've decided to opt out of (that is a long and dramatic story).

I'm going to grab lunch while I can. It's great to be back blogging. I've missed this little blog world....

Bye Bye, Blogger!

2008-09-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

Hello Typepad!
www.fouronefive.typepad.com

Leaving Blogger...

2008-09-21T18:13:00.000-07:00

So it's come down to this...I'm leaving blogger.
I've had quite a few blogs and not too many problems but the issues lately are too much to take. Anyone have suggestions on a new host, perhaps Typepad or Wordpress?

Blogger Issues

2008-09-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

I'm having major issues with blogger! I struggle with dealing with these Blogger issues or switching to typepad. Moving to typepad would mean yet another blog move. Would you follow? I do hope so :o)

So much to blog and not enough patience to do it!

Three Weeks Later

2008-09-10T17:51:00.000-07:00

Owen will officially be three weeks old in about half an hour.

What a crazy three weeks it has been! I've had so many emotions. I'm so in love with little Owen. My husband has been helpful, but at times I just want to throw things at him. It's also amazing how having a baby makes you take a step back and analyze your life.

My induction went well. I went in around 6AM, got an IV with some pitocin and within about 30 minutes I got an epidural. After the epidural I got very sleepy and took a four hour nap. I woke up and could feel the contractions on the right side of my body only. The anesthesiologist came and pulled the catheter back a bit an all was well. I was once again very sleepy and took another long nap. Around 5:30PM I woke up with crazy ass pain in my back- that's when I started pushing and about 45 minutes later Owen was out!

The first few days after his birth I was completely overwhelmed. OT and I were beyond tired and hysterical the first night. It's gotten better, but I still feel overwhelmed at times. I've been told by all other women with children that they felt the same way. I think that I'm starting to understand that women are much stronger creatures than men. I give birth to a child and assume responsibility of his complete care one hour after birth- and then I have OT moaning and complaining that his hospital bed is uncomfortable and that his hand hurts.
Yeah. Hm.
It is much better now though. After my endless "bitching and complaining" things have drastically improved.

Other than being a mommy these past few weeks, I've started making Owen a quilt:

This is my first attempt at quilting- so far, so good. I'm not following any kind of pattern, the idea is fairly simple. However, I do see why putting the quilt pieces in a pattern is important, so that's something to remember for next time.

Well, I'm off to watch the Red Sox game with OT and Owen!

2008-08-25T19:25:00.000-07:00

Owen
8.20.08
8.5lbs

We are over the moon!

Down to the Wire

2008-08-19T01:18:00.000-07:00

What does one do when she is mere hours away from becoming a mother.....?

Oddly enough, I'm reading about crickets. I'm shocked to learn how complex they are, and that people actually make a living off of studying crickets. Our house has loads of crickets, and I hear in the desert that's not such a bad thing....tons of crickets= no scorpions (or so I've heard). And just FYI, I saw a teeny tiny baby cricket on my bathroom counter....so little, so cute, awww!

This all started because I left a wax strip on the floor and OT found a cricket stuck to it- and sadly, that cricket was dead. So, I'm a cricket killer...and apparently cricket killers don't have bad luck. You need to understand that this wasn't first or second degree cricket murder, if anything it was involuntary cricket manslaughter. We were imagining a cricket tribunal- lots of crickets and cricket chirping...would I be entitled to a translator....how the hell would that work?

This is more than likely my last post for a bit, I'm going to disappear off into babyland.
Take care, blog world :o)

Craft Qwest: A Sloppy Second

2008-08-15T00:42:00.001-07:00

Another iPod cozy attempt:

Almost there.
Craft break!

Craft Qwest: iPod Cozy

2008-08-15T00:00:00.001-07:00

Tracing a template:

Fabric and felt lining:

This seems like a beyond easy project but yeah...it wasn't at all. I'm determined to master this!

Too tight of a fit, as well as too short:

Why can't I cut squares!?

!!!!

2008-08-14T17:08:00.000-07:00

I have a feeling in fifty years time I will be that crazy old animal lazy.

A fennec fox.
I need one.
Yessss.

Cats...

2008-08-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

What a life.

Last Day of Work

2008-08-13T23:59:00.000-07:00

Today was unexpectedly my last day of work, and I'd be lying if I said I were upset about it. The hospital I work at is small and I'm the one and only therapist on at any given time. This is not an arrangement I care for. The hospital I worked at previously (before I got too pregnant- read "too lazy"- to work a 12 hour shift) I was one of 90 therapists in our department. There was always someone to get a second opinion from and always someone designated to help out if you were to fall behind. Well, today my swollen little pregnant body just couldn't take it anymore. I pouted and cried to OT for a bit and then decided that it was best for me to call it quits for the next few months. I am so mentally checked out anyway, so it's probably better for the patient and for myself that I'm not there. The unfortunate part is that until I have this baby I'll be waking up in the wee hours of the morning and cooking breakfast for my hardworking husband. Not that I mind, but sleeping these days is a real challenge for me. Why is it that as soon as I drift off this little person inside me decides that it's time to push/kick/hiccup or whatever....?

I've also come into contact with sooooo many people that think I want to hear their advice/opinion on parenting. I'm always down for someone offering advice when and if I need it, but to flat out tell me how it's going to be really gets to me. Most people don't know how this pregnancy or how our struggle to become pregnant came about, and if people do know, unless they have been there I find that others cannot comprehend the trials and tribulations of infertility. So when my baby cries all night, pees all over me, goes through a million diapers a day...I don't care and I will be grateful. I will never see parenting as a chore, as some people express it to be, or as something that I was unexpectedly plunged into. Every day I will wake up and choose to be a parent, I will never be obligated. I feel very privileged to have this little being.

As I look back on this journey I see so much. It has lasted for what seems like decades- miscarriage, medications, months and months of waiting, oodles of pregnancy tests, even more disappointment, IUI's, more pelvic ultrasounds than any one girl will ever want....and it came down to some sperm in a cup and one lone viable follicle.

I still remember the morning I took the pregnancy test...it was only twelve days after the IUI. I had worked a very long night shift. I came home, got ready for bed, and decided to prematurely take the test. I would always take the pregnancy test prematurely, and I would continue to take them for days and days, until I knew no hope was left. The last thing I expected was two lines- dark pink and the faintest of lines. I immediately called OT and even days later he still didn't believe I was pregnant. Only when the RE checked my HCG levels did he buy it. When they doubled 48 hours later we both became hopeful.

I've learned so much. I feel that I know so much more about myself, about my husband and about other people. In the past I feel I acted very selfishly, putting value in the incorrect things. I've grown apart from some friends and much closer to others. I've come to assess people much differently.

Throughout this struggle I think I have realized what is most important for me, for my life, and now for my family.

The Easy Way Out

2008-08-12T23:38:00.000-07:00

I'm wimping out, I've scheduled an elective induction.
As I've come to find out, everyone has an opinion on this (much like breastfeeding). What gets me the most are women with no pregnancy/childbearing experience with such strong opinions on these matters.

Both are personal choices and I'm sometimes shocked that complete strangers and/or acquaintances ask such questions. I've had an entire day of complete irritation, I think the "bitch switch" has been flipped. I will be sure to turn off the bitch switch when we go into the hospital, being mean to people that insert your IV and give you pain meds probably isn't wise...trust- I know this from personal experience.

With all that being said, we are very excited.
I'll still be around for a bit, but I am counting down the days....

Life Book

2008-08-11T21:47:00.000-07:00

Ever heard of Blurb?
I've started making a life book for Owen. The only photo I'm missing is a picture of my follicle, he was the only viable one, aw....
Much easier and in the long run probably cheaper than scrap booking (also less messier).

Very awesome.

Sigh

2008-08-11T06:42:00.000-07:00

Usually I don't do this but lately I've been having moments of weakness.
I'm eating chocolate and looking at SF blogs almost daily. The chocolate isn't so bad, but the SF blogs do me in, especially when I see/read about a place I've been.

Just to name a few....

sfgirlbybay
evany
wexford girl

Dammit.

"Nesting"

2008-08-11T00:16:00.000-07:00

I always thought nesting was a load of BS, but having now experienced it myself I am amazed to find that I'm actually a mammal. Does that make sense?...probably not, but we'll just go with it. For the most part I am completely exhausted. Moments arise where I am determined and full of energy to make something very trivial into "perfect".

On Friday OT made the mistake of giving me the new Ikea 2009 catalog that came in the mail. That of course led to a trip to Ikea on Saturday morning. It was crowded, we parked far away (which I normally wouldn't mind, but given the fact that it is Arizona and summer, I start to mind). We ended up getting curtains and finger puppets. Very necessary, yes.

I can't help but think that my house resembles a hodgepodge of crap. I love it and wouldn't have it any other way, however.

Our first floor has a very strange floor plan consisting of about 500 square feet.
(Note the baby swing in this photo, which makes things much more crowded on our tiny first floor):

Taking these pictures and writing this post have done me in. Exhaustion is at a ten. Where is this baby?! I think my OB got my hopes up by predicting and early labor. Now we're just waiting....and waiting....

This baby is going to be late. A trait of his daddy's...

Essential Oil Combinations

2008-08-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

Last week I placed yet another order with Mountain Rose Herbs, which is probably my favorite shop to ever exist. I actually have a shopping cart saved to my account full of new goodies which I plan to order tomorrow.

Before I left for work today I had a delivery from UPS. I had 20 minutes to smell about 15 oils. The oils were hot from being in the back of that truck, which I think made them smellier, and after smelling about three oils they all started to jumble up and smell the same. When I got home I went right to work melting soap and whatnot.

Here are some combinations I've come up with:

1)Lime peel and cilantro- really makes me want a margarita
2)Grapefruit and lemongrass- not bad
3)Lavender, mandarin and palmarosa- er, not so sure, gave this one to OT
4) Lavender and mandarin- just smells like lavender

The true test will be in the morning when the soaps are tested.
I'm off to be lazy and enjoy this wonderful and rare thunderstorm in the desert...

Very Clever

2008-08-05T23:35:00.001-07:00

A clever find on Etsy.
I've got to have this.

Hope all is going well in Blogland...
In Babyland there is just lots of sleeping and waiting, and recently pineapple and mango eating. No sewing, no soaps :o(

Soon....

Busy Bee

2008-08-04T11:52:00.000-07:00

I've been so very busy as of late, doing stuff that is less than fun.
We've been cleaning and getting the house ready for Owen, and somehow my iTunes decided to delete the 724 songs on my iPod, ugh! For the past two days I've been trying to put all the songs back- what a task! I've been having false contractions, what a tease! I hear I will almost definitely know when they are the real thing.

I'm also impatiently waiting for a shipment from Mountain Rose Herbs, my new most favorite shop.

Back to downloading....

2008-07-30T23:33:00.000-07:00

Updates over at Lost and Found always do me in.
I will never understand why such loss occurs.
I feel beyond lucky (if you want to call it luck...) that my current pregnancy has been fairly uneventful thus far at almost 36 weeks. I sometimes think of our dead baby (I don't have a 'jelly bean' or 'snowflake' type name. I know 'dead baby' sounds morbid) and think that Owen wouldn't be here without him/her. You really never stop grieving.

I'm off to the Land of Nod, where hopefully happier thoughts will flood into my mind.

A Tease

2008-07-29T22:02:00.000-07:00

I'm not even over book seven. I still remember going to see the fifth movie on my birthday last year, opening day- and yes I was as excited as all the 10-year-olds next to me in line.

Yes, Internet, I am a lover of Harry Potter (far more of the books than the films).
The trailer is out for the sixth movie:

And what goes into this bag....?

2008-07-29T15:37:00.001-07:00

I had an OB appointment today, my first internal. I was completely freaked about the internal exam because I made the mistake of googling it. It wasn't so bad. I'd much rather have an internal exam than a pelvic ultrasound or another IUI (I cringe just thinking about the IUI).

I will be 36 weeks this Friday. I am 1.5 cm dilated and 80% effaced. I really have no idea what that means, but I guess for a first pregnancy/labor the 80% effaced is important. So I was told to have my bags packed. This woman even said to me "I'd be surprised if you make it past 36 weeks...". I'm thinking, just because she said this, it is the ultimate jinx. Now I'm doomed to sit in anticipation for the next four weeks.

Cross your fingers and hope he decides to come out soon. My nightmare is a 42 week induction.

Little Bunny Foo Foo

2008-07-27T23:22:00.000-07:00

We were at Costco over the weekend and picked up a few books for Owen (assuming of course he will be reading directly out of the womb). The books are huge! About 24x24. I picked out SkippyJon Jones, an adorable book about a Siamese cat. Of course I immediately thought of our own little Wemo and totally had to have the book. My mother in law picked out Down By the Station, apparently it's a popular nursery rhyme but I've never heard of it....it goes to the exact tune of Little Bunny Foo Foo.

(ignore the fact that the photos are sideways- I'm really lazy tonight)

I'm thinking SkippyJon Jones looks like a Siamese-Chihuahua hybrid, no?
OT had never heard of Little Bunny Foo Foo, which I find beyond shocking. Little Bunny Foo Foo was a nursery rhyme badass! I found this Bunny Foo Foo plushie on Etsy which I'm in love with, too bad was sold like a super long time ago. But yes, that is my almost exact mental picture of Foo Foo.

I think I am officially "nesting". Today I made pizza dough, pumpkin bread, a purse and now I want to make a plushie. All of those things start with "P" which kind of really could freak a superstitious girl out....

Making Soap

2008-07-25T11:39:00.000-07:00

When I first got the idea to make soaps I was so excited and ready to completely dive in. Then I read about the dangers of lye and wasn't so sure. We have two small dogs who love to eat anything and everything on the floor, not to mention that in a few short months we will have a toddler. I also wondered if I had the patience to let the soap cure for a million days. So, scratch that...no lye. As I discovered there is such a thing as melt and pour soap. Perfect- soap making with out really making soap. I think I would call it "soap designing". Yes. I'm a soap designer!

Anyhoo, this is a peek at my very first venture into soap designing:

For my soap mold I used a cupcake pan with liners. Don't these look like really old, really moldy cupcakes? Ha! Yes. Moldy cupcake soaps. The "mold" you see it matcha. I wanted it to tint the soaps a sage-y color, but that didn't exactly work out the way I wanted it to. I used patchouli and orange essential oils, I was left smelling like a clean, but dirty hippie. Amazing how one can be so clean but smell so not clean....

Intervention

2008-07-23T11:47:00.001-07:00

I can't stop making these bags. It's all I think about. It is consuming me.
If a camera crew shows up at my house and asks me to spell my name, I know I'm in trouble.

"My name is Amanda, A-M-A-N-D-A. I'm addicted to sewing."

I love Intervention. I think it's a very interesting show. But I cannot for the life of me understand how these addicts don't know they're on Intervention! The second I'm asked to spell my name I'd be like 'oh hell no!', and I'd be out. Are they paying them? They must. In my head, the addicts and junkies that don't work just sit at home and watch TV all day...surely they've stumbled upon this show? I just don't get it....

I made a new template that I like much better than the previous one. This is the first completed bag with my new hobo-ish template:

This is the second bag I'm working on. I love this pumpkin corduroy. I'm going to attempt to make a really sturdy handle with some super heavy-duty template plastic. We'll see how well that goes....

After four days off I am returning to work (*gag*). I'm also really upset because I will be missing my scheduled UPS delivery today, a signature required delivery! Upsetting.

Have a happy Wednesday :o)

Magnetic Snap Help

2008-07-22T18:53:00.001-07:00

Can anyone tell me what exactly these are called? I need to google a how-to, but that's kind of hard without knowing what they are called.

Thank ya :o)

Self Timer

2008-07-22T18:17:00.000-07:00

I've had my camera for about a year and a half now. It has some pretty amazing features that I've never bothered to explore. And yes, to me a self timer is amazing.

Adventures in self timing-

This was actually pretty fun and a great way to unwind after my crappy morning.
(and tell, after seeing these photos, I look eleven weeks pregnant? I swear, people just expect you to look like a bloated elephant during pregnancy)
I have been on a bag-creating marathon and now have too many for my own good. It's a good and useful way to use all of my hoarded fabric :o)

I Hate My OB

2008-07-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

The day started off okay. I woke up around seven, had breakfast and got ready to go see the OB. Nice and steady...

When I got into my car I see that OT had left the dome lights on. He had cleaned my car last night and they had been on ever since. My car started- just barely. After a text message to him regarding responsibility I was over it. When I got to the OB's office they called me back right away- I was amazed, I usually wait forever. Then they weigh me (that was okay, no change), then point me in the direction of the bathroom and ask me if I know what to do. I just laughed....do I know how to pee in a cup? When I got into the exam room it was obvious this medical assistant hadn't read my chart. It was also obvious that she was a fucking idiot when she said to me "You don't even look pregnant...I would have guessed you were eleven weeks at the most!". UGH!

Are. You. Kidding. Me.
What the hell does my non-pregnant body look like?! I find this comment very infuriating, not only because I feel like it's making less of my pregnancy, but also because of my history with bulimia (and I'm happy to say I've been in recovery for many years now, however it is an almost daily struggle).

Then after about 35 minutes of waiting in the exam room the physician's assistant (PA) comes in. She apologizes for the wait, and that I consider very thoughtful. My mood improves. Then she says to me "What's up, what's new?!" in a very nonchalant way. All I can say is "not much, same as always...", because nothing is really new. I have this baby inside. He moves. My back hurts. Then something pops into my head! I have a question....

Late last week when I was taking a shower I noticed hard tissue on my right breast. Hmmm...I kept feeling for it throughout the morning. When OT got home he felt it and I knew it wasn't just me. So I filed this in my brain for my appointment. When I tell the PA this she says "Do you want me to take a look at it?", um...no shit...why else would I bring it up? She feels it (not a very good exam by the way...) and then says this: "That's what's called the 'heel' of your breast. The tissue is very glandular. It's probably that way on both sides." Then I told her there was not hard mass on the left and that was that, my appointment was over!

I am beyond upset at the moment and I have a very bad headache from this mess, I can't even write anymore. I could expand on a few other things that are currently bothering me but I think that would be really unhealthy.Perhaps I will go take a nap and forget all about it....

Battle Wounds

2008-07-21T17:52:00.000-07:00

Sewing- more violent than you'd think.

Purse Adventure: Mission Completed

2008-07-21T14:18:00.001-07:00

Er, sort of completed...
The purse from the previous post completely frustrates me with every glance I take at it. Therefore, I've moved on (for now anyway, I'm sure one day I will go back to the purse of frustration).

Anyhoo, I am pretty amazed that I was able to construct and sew this purse on my own. I am even more amazed that it looks like a purse! The biggest obstacle I faced with this purse was the strap placement (should I have done two straps? Is just one okay? Should the placement have been different?) and the closure (I decided to go with brown ribbon). I didn't really want to use velcro as I think that would cheapen the bag, and those little sew on snaps frustrate the hell out of me (is anyone sensing that I have absolutely no patience?).

There you have it!

Show & Tell: Purse Adventure

2008-07-20T17:03:00.000-07:00

Things only started out smoothly.

Making a template:

Cutting out fabric and assembling:

Stitching in the lining:

Error! Error! Error!

At this point I got beyond frustrated and stopped taking pictures.
Tomorrow I have to take the bag apart and mend a few things and figure out how to make a better strap and how snap/latch/tie the bag shut. I give up for today.

Until then, it's a hat:

*FRUSTRATION*
Ugh...

A Boring Sunday

2008-07-20T13:32:00.000-07:00

As I have no interest in watching The King of Kong with OT I'm in need of some way to stimulate myself on a very boring, not to mention very hot, very humid, monsoon-y Sunday.

The magical solution- a trip to the craft store of course!
I usually don't go to the craft store on the weekends because it's always crawling with sweet, slow old ladies that I'm sure come to the store in packs. This is very different than early weekday mornings, at that time I usually see sweet, slow old ladies and their husbands. It's more tolerable on these days, as I'm assuming the husbands hurry them out there and/or it's just a quick stop-in before an appointment or something.

So I have in my head a stellar idea to make a sling bag. I should be figuring out a template for my bag, however I'm blogging. I just needed to share with someone (and remember, OT is watching that stupid movie) that I cleaned my craft room. Yes, this is very first grade of me, but I feel like I am in need of a few golden stars.

Before (and this scene was not altered to appear messier):

And after:

It's still a bit messy, but much better in my opinion! I know there is still some crap on the floor but I have a hard time bending down these days (which is, by far, my most favorite excuse to use during pregnancy- and don't ask why, because I haven't the foggiest).

I also wanted to share, no golden stars necessary, this fantastic little basket I got at the craft store:

Clever! It's rolled newspaper that was weaved into a basket. Wemo seems to like it, and I like it even more because it was 60% off (okay, maybe just one golden star...if you must...it's quite a challenge finding a good sale).

I really should get to work now. I'll be spending my afternoon (and no doubt early evening) eating fig newmans, drinking tea, listening to Couting Crows and sketching a template.

It's about time!

2008-07-18T11:17:00.000-07:00

On Monday I placed an order with a wholesale company that sells all kinds of fantastic natural materials. I just received an email that my order was finally shipped. Keep in mind I placed this order Monday, that kind of irks me...especially when S&H was nearly $20, but whatever. I am beyond excited and I just had to share!

I'm off to spend my afternoon day dreaming about hemp butter, zinc oxide and lye...
Enjoy your Friday!

Deodorant: Update #3

2008-07-17T22:57:00.000-07:00

The good news is that the unscented deodorant does not burn (yay!), the bad news is that I hate the way it feels. I'm guessing my body heat warms up the shea butter and it gets kind of oily and then that oil ends up all over my shirt. For some reason this doesn't happen to OT and he likes the way the deodorant feels/smells. Maybe it has something to do with hairy vs. hairless pits? I'm not exactly sure.

Today while I was making my lunch I decided that I needed to have some kind of deodorant, so I concocted a spray. And you know what....? I really love it! It's basically water, baking soda and organic clary sage oil. It's light and fresh smelling. It's unfortunate I didn't measure what I put though, that will just cause a headache next time. Fantastic.

The spray:

(and I would just like to point out that what appears to be dust in this picture is, in fact, powder. A small player in our infertility journey was due to crazy morphology of OT's sperm. Why, one may wonder? Because he was drying his nuts (I suppose 'testicles' would be the proper term) with the hair dryer every morning- according to our RE that was a big no-no, causes coiled tails and they don't swim well....so, powder....which I of course make out of corn starch, for real...)

I also got new eyeglasses today. I'm undecided at the moment whether I look smart, nerdy, cute or a combination of all three:

I hardly ever wear glasses, but they do come in handy at work and while driving...and I hear the ability to see while driving can be important.

Deodorant: Update #2

2008-07-16T23:15:00.000-07:00

So...I hate to this, but my deodorant burned the living hell out of my arm pits.
I also hate to say that it worked for OT but was "too lemony, too smelly". Apparently, when you work in an office people are fussy about smells. That of course irks me and sends me into a defensive rage that these pampered little stock brokers have NO IDEA what smelly is, and the next time I'm around a GI bleed I pray that I can bottle it.
Tonight I had to make a new batch of deodorant to dilute the "too lemony/too smelly" version of OT's. I made a new unscented batch for me so I can determine why I had this little reaction of mine. I'm almost certain it was the combined 35 drops of essential oils I put into it- looking back I'm sure it was a bit excessive, and as I have terribly sensitive skin, not very smart.

I'm sure everyone is beyond interested in this deodorant journey.
And for those few weirdos that aren't (and I'm really hoping you sense my enormous amount of sarcasm) here are pictures of my dear husband trying to figure out how on earth to use this Baby Bjorn:

Emma was actually very content in the sling. She really does think she's a princess, this only reinforced that fact.

Am I being too sensitive?

2008-07-15T23:26:00.000-07:00

...and am I supposed to capitalize every word in my title?

Anyhoo, here is Owen at nearly 34 weeks:
(and yeah, I love my pajamas- sock monkeys!)

At work I wear scrubs and scrubs can be very good at hiding fat, bloat and babies. It's no secret to most of my coworkers that I'm pregnant, and fairly far along at that. I started working at this rehab hospital right out of school, quit, and then decided to come back because it was a pretty sweet job to have during pregnancy. I often hear the following comments:

"Are you sure you're pregnant?!"
"Is there really a baby in there?!"

It also doesn't help that there are two other girls at the hospital that are pregnant- one two weeks behind me and the other two weeks ahead- both are HUGE. In the past I've even lifted up my scrubs (and I now cringe at the thought of actually doing that...)to reveal a little baby bump. Once a nurse I work with even asked to feel, and I said sure....and she says "Wow...it's really hard, I guess you really are pregnant!". Ugh! Two weeks ago, while passing in the hall, this same nurse also said to me "You're just pretending you're pregnant for the maternity leave..!". OK. That did it, that pissed me way off.

Those comments really hurt given the fact that I have lost a baby in the past and feel crazy lucky to be pregnant at all. I myself still find it hard to believe that I was lucky enough to get pregnant. The fact that I feel my pregnancy is being questioned, even if in a humorous way, really really bothers me. And to be quite honest, I'm glad I haven't used the pregnancy to binge on every little treat I see. I'm overweight to begin with and my weight gain has been moderate, any extreme weight gain would be just plain unhealthy. My OB assures me he is growing right on target, if the OB is happy, I'm happy.

UGH! So what should I do? Should I become a mega bitch the next time I hear such things?

Deodorant: Update #1

2008-07-14T23:20:00.000-07:00

So, to come up with what to actually put in the deodorant I combined a bit from a recipe that I read on Angry Chicken and a bit from this recipe. The beeswax from the second recipe is a fantastic addition as it makes it much easier to make an actual deodorant stick. I found that without the beeswax you're just rubbing yummy smelling cocoa/shea butter on your pits. I also substituted white rice flour for cornstarch from the first recipe- big mistake. The deodorant turned out really gritty. I can't stand it, but OT is okay with it for now. When I get some more time on my hands (I'm working for the next few days, ugh) I will master this deodorant once and for all!

Deodorant Journey

2008-07-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

I've been waiting all day for the UPS truck to come and deliver my package. While on my way home this morning from the bank I saw that sweet little brown truck pull out of our neighborhood and I was giddy with excitement...and then I was totally let down when I didn't have a package waiting. I've spent all day listening for that truck. Finally around 6:30 (yeah....6:30, and we're talking PM, 1830!!!) the truck pulls up in front of my house while I'm catching a new episode of Intervention (and damn, that is one depressing show, but I'm addicted).

It was like Christmas morning!

I immediately got to work.

Old deodorant container:

Melting the beeswax:

I wish I could remember the recipe I used. This first run I consider trial and error. I used unknown amounts of baking soda, shea butter, cocoa butter, rice flour, beeswax and lots of clary sage and lemongrass essential oil.

In the containers (one for me and one for him):

No verdict yet as to how well they work. I'm sure I'll get all the feedback I need tomorrow.
Until then...

Stop!

2008-07-14T11:15:00.000-07:00

When the whole organic/eco/green issues went mainstream I was delighted. Due to health issues and concerns, I made such things apart of our family life long ago. A hippie at heart I was just bursting with excitement when "green" and "eco-friendly" became part of most American's every day vocabulary. I was super excited because I figured since this is going mainstream think of all the choices and variety that will be added to local stores and restaurants! Woohoo! I was also excited that a cause so dear to my heart was being noticed and taken seriously.

But hey now...why have all the prices of my favorite things sky rocketed? I suppose you can contribute some of it to the current state of the economy, but really...$30 for ONE yard of hemp fabric, are you kidding me?! A prime example- OT and I absolutely love Burt's herbal deodorant. The market closest to us, Sprouts (which I've never been crazy about), was out for the longest time. When they finally got it back in stock the price was the same but the amount was nearly cut in half! $9.00 for four ounces when we used to get six ounces for the same price? Whole Foods pulled the same little diddy. On the Burt's website you can still get the old price and amount but it's not exactly convenient unless you order in bulk. I feel like retailers are trying to take advantage of this situation. Remember a couple of years ago the whole low carb/no carb thing? I can see some similarities.

With all of that being said, I'm going to start my own little personal campaign of 'fuck you' to The Man and make/grow/produce all that I can on my own.

And as my friend Lucas would say, Damn the Man....

Catching Up

2008-07-13T23:30:00.000-07:00

About twice a week I go to Lost and Found just to see what's up in the IF community of amazing people that I have lately neglected. During the earlier stages of my pregnancy, I hate to say this, but I stayed away. I was full of fear for what I had previously experienced and what I never wanted to go through again.

Now when I visit I am just full of sadness for people who have bad news to share. And then I think...why am I pregnant? Why not them? Why does it work out for some and not for others? Not being a very religious person, I think God has absolutely no play in it, but I understand that some put a huge emphasis on God's role. Could it be just pure luck? Is this all just part of our individual paths? Sometimes my spirituality (note: not religion) plays into it and I wonder about karma and suffering and reincarnation. After the death of our first baby in May 2007 I often would visit a reincarnation/past life regression forum, I guess I was looking for some kind of understanding of why this happened and where my baby was. I felt very alone after the death. OT didn't cry, I got the overall "this sucks" emotion from him. Sadly, I can't say he was supportive either...he was ready to move on and didn't grieve. If he did grieve I didn't see it. I just don't understand why that pregnancy didn't happen and why this one seems to be moving right along. Someone suggested to me that this baby and the previous baby are one in the same, he just wasn't ready to join this world at that time. I'm just not sure if I buy into that...however, that would provide me with oodles of comfort.

So here I am, wondering why me. I'm feeling for others who share a similar journey with the opposite outcome. I'm also wondering what part all these issues will play when it comes to parenting (and let me tell you, I have huge fears regarding parenting).

Guilt.
*sigh*

An Arizona Monsoon

2008-07-13T16:42:00.001-07:00

Arizona hasn't had a monsoon to write home about in quite some time. Today's storm was no exception. Today's storm was reminiscent of a New England thunderstorm, and it lasted all of about ten minutes.

Clouds before the storm:

And then came the rain:

Rain, no matter how light or how long the storm, is pretty exciting stuff when you only see it a couple days a year. Never have I seen grown adults get so giddy over weather. On Thursday night I saw the biggest grump at work stand at the window like a ten year old and exclaim about the rain. I tend to join in the gawking because I love a good rain storm.

Hope your weekend is going well!

A Sum of Dreams

2008-07-10T11:24:00.001-07:00

Add together the Coit Tower and a hospital parking lot under rule of a grizzly bear and that is what I remember of dreaming last night.
That grizzy was a bitch...

2008-07-09T22:43:00.000-07:00

Sweetness. A kitty slumber party?

Ohhh, how I'd like to be a cat for a few days. I don't think I'd like the food, and I'm pretty sure shitting in a box of sand would be gross.....but I'm oh so curious about the experience.

London Fabric

2008-07-08T16:57:00.001-07:00

So, if you read one of the last million blogs I've had, perhaps you remember this London map fabric that I was totally crazy about (yet another Superbuzzy find)? Well, I have finally found a worthwhile way to use up my last bit of fabric...a skirt!

I am one sewing mamma today! Three skirts down...

How does this happen?

2008-07-08T05:53:00.000-07:00

Do you ever hear a song that just kind of grounds you and takes you back?

Yes, well, I can thank Tom Petty for my temporary state of enlightenment. If only things were as easy as this song. This takes me back about seven years, when I was on my own for the first time. Other than being completely broke, my life was fantastic. Somewhere in between then an now I've become so totally jaded and a huge control freak. The middle class has ruined me. The suburbs have ruined me, seeing people die has ruined me.... *sigh*

Sorry to be so uplifting this early in the morning...
But for real....you have no idea what I would give to be sitting in a field in the middle of Vermont picking flowers and hanging out with my two favorite people.

Summer Sewing

2008-07-07T23:46:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been kind of crazy for these pencil skirts in a classic fabrics with a twist in the form of a border at the bottom. They are super easy to make and even easier to wear with an elastic waist. For my birthday I ordered some sweet prints from Superbuzzy and I am just happily sewing away....

(You are going to have to excuse my nasty, swollen pregnancy feet. I'd just like to add, for my own selfish vanity reasons, this picture was taken after an eight hour crazy ass shift at the hospital, AND I'm pregnant. I don't really think my feet are that wide and vein-y in normal, non-pregnant, life)

How I find the energy to do anything is beyond me. Pregnancy kicks my ass. My mother-in-law claims to have felt amazing, even better than normal, while pregnant. I say that is a LIE. I love this little person, but I will love him even more when he gets the hell out of me. And let's just add that whole "coming out of me thing" to my little pile of stress....ever googled '4th degree tear'? Yeah. Ouch. Makes me want to schedule a c-section (which, I might add, would be perfect for my controlling personality. The fact that this defective body of mine has the responsibility of birth is quite frightening).

I'm going to sign off now, because I hate when people ramble. And I'm rambling, as I always do...

A Day Trip

2008-06-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

When you live in Southern Arizona a "trip up North" means a trip to some other place that's not hot as hell, presumably in the northern direction.
We both had today off and decided to take a little drive to Prescott and visit Goldwater Lake.

Now, no offense to you Goldwater lake loving people, but it's not much of a lake. My guess would be that it's only a few feet deep and the fact that you can't swim in the lake is kind of weird....a lake that you can't swim in....?

Because nothing fits into nature like two soda machines....

I'd also like to point out that I've finally finished a sewing project that took me a loooong time. Here is my bird skirt:

And here he is:

It was a cool, breezy 95 degrees (which honestly was quite refreshing seeing as it's been about 115 here every day for the past 4 years of my life). After about 15 minutes and a little ditty with a composting toilet we (or rather, I) decided it was time to go.

Exciting times, Internet.

Fantastic Fluffy Fairycakes

2008-06-29T18:17:00.000-07:00

What's a girl to do when she lives in the desert it's 115 degrees outside?
This girl decided to bake (...and sew, but that didn't go so well).

Fantastic Fluffy Fairycake Recipe:
(the original recipe came from the 09/07 Everyday Food Magazine. However, I've made some adjustments and given them a whimsical name...and let's face it, fairycakes always taste better than cupcakes)

What you need-
8 tbsp of butter (I used Earth Balance)
1 3/4 cups APF
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup of sugar
2 eggs
1 1/2 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup soy milk
Nutella (as my frosting)
Turbinado sugar for sprinkling
Strawberries

1) Put oven at 350 degrees
2) In a separate bowl whisk together the flour baking powder and salt
3) Use and electric mixer and beat butter and sugar until fluffy
4) Add eggs one at a time and beat after each addition
5) Add vanilla and mix it in
6) Beat in half the flour mixture
7) Beat in the soy milk
8) Beat in the remaining flour mixture, don't over mix!
9) Put the batter in your cupcake liners (about 2/3 the way full) and cook for 22-24 minutes.

When the time is up let the cakes cool on a wrack for about 10 minutes. Then dress them up with nutella and whatever pretty candies you have around.

I'm proud to say that these little cakes got a "ten" on OT's Standard Guide to Grading Baked Goods.

The First Post

2008-06-25T23:26:00.001-07:00

It's amazing how ten minutes ago I had loads to say. I had the perfect idea for a first post on my crisp, fresh and lovely new blog.

I think perhaps I should thank those that have followed me here. This has got to be, literally, my 5th or 6th blog. The first blog, This Desert Life, was my bloggy home for nearly two years. In a brief moment of insanity I permanently deleted 24 months worth of memories. Since leaving my first blog and starting the others I never felt at "home". Maybe you don't understand, but I'm sure there are some crazy bloggers out there that understand my feelings.

To sum things up for those that have no damn clue about me, here goes:
The first part of my life was spent in Texas. My parents then moved our family to Missouri. In Missouri I went to grade school, and then I went to high school. And then I left with nothing more than a 1995 Dodge Neon and $300 provided to me by my parents....who are still married by the way, but very unhappily.

Moving on to the happier years....
In 2001 I met the person who I believe is probably my soul mate. Now, he does make me want to pull my hair out about 20% of the time, but he loves me for my crazy, neuoritc self. He's able to brush things off and move on, he's able to put up with all my emotional baggage that accumulated in the 16 years before we met. There is a connection there that is comfortably beyond amazing.
In 2003 I packed up my cozy little apartment in the SF Bay Area's East Bay and followed my little soul mate to Phoenix. We moved in together for the first time. We lived in a nice apartment complex in the middle of the ghetto (for real, the ghetto). We lived next to a super busy avenue, an Ihop, a 7-Eleven and a bus stop frequently inhabited by prostitutes.
In 2004 we bought a house. A nice little tract home in the suburbs of Phoenix. Big mistake.
I hate the desert.
Hate. Hate. Hate.
I try very hard not to hate people or things. I just can't help this one particular thing.
During these years I went to school (again...). I'm now a respiratory therapist. It's okay. I see some sad things and I see some miracles. In the beginning I didn't know how to deal with the emotions of seeing people die. I didn't understand it. I lost a lot of the spirituality I thought I had. I questioned things more than ever. I have learned many valuable lessons about myself and about how I see others.
I found out some where along the way that I have PCOS. I also have a very naughty little thyroid!
I freakishly got pregnant in April 2007, right after my graduation. I say freakishly because I had not had a period (TMI? Get over it, my dear...) for a long while. That baby died. How and why I do not know. I've had several different opinions on why. I think about that baby all the time and wonder....
It took a good long while, lots of fertility drugs, lots of blood work and an artificial insemination to get pregnant again.

And here we are...31 weeks down, just a few more to go.